when life throws lemons at you…

I haven’t been blogging for quite a while now; life got on to a roller coaster (which has happened before) but got derailed this time (which has never happened before) 😀 No major casualties, but definitely left a few bruises will stay for quite a while.

Too many changes happened. Some were planned, some were expected (but hoped not to happen) and some just took me by utter surprise.

I don’t take too kindly to that kind of utter surprise. Sudden changes in decisions, plans, dreams, life, so on and so forth, do not really fall in my list of “I love”s. I am the kind that actually needs time to accept a change and adapt to it well. Even an unplanned movie plan can put me in turmoil. I’m not kidding, it really can. Ask Suraj, if you need evidence 😀 As someone who absolutely LOVES giving surprises, the poor thing has to think a million times before he can give me one (and finally, he always decides not to). 😀

I always need time to prepare myself to major changes: like job changes, relocations, letting people come into and go from my life…

So, when life suddenly throws lemons at me, my first instinct is to duck under the table, rather than make some lemonade out of them.

To start with, I had to quit a job I liked because of certain people and reasons. Then a relocation was briefly considered, which I finally decided will NOT happen. Then my parents relocated back to Trivandrum (and took Pumbaa with them for a while). And then we decided to move houses, which further depressed me, for I’m quite comfortable in the house we live in, and is totally in love with Koramangala (I now totally understand what she meant when she wrote this. And then a few other things happened, which I really do not want to talk about here. So basically, life’s not been too good so far. I don’t think I like 2012 too much 😀 2011 was fun and generally stress-free.

The good things: I’m still in the same house; I’ve got myself a new job (which also gave me a laptop, though I still miss my T410…but well, it serves the purpose well enough); I’m still in my ‘initial days’ at work, making me generally jobless and helping me get back to my blog; I participated in a Blogstar competition at work, and both my posts got featured in the top 15 of a total of 56 posts (yay!!) :D; I’m back to my travel-by-volvo days, and enjoying it much; I am back in charge of the kitchen, since the senior chef ran off to Trivandrum forever…and I’ve held on for a month and half now, without eating out most days like we used to before the parents came to B’lore (makes me pretty proud of myself 😉 ); I’m back to gardening and talking to my plants and making sure they’re happy—which is actually because of Pumbaa’s absence (he used to make sure he got all my time and attention).

So yes, there are a few good things that make me happy; but the bad ones are quite phenomenal, and damn depressing. I try to push them to the bottom of the pile, but well, they keep coming up for air every now and then. Basically, am not very good company now 😀 So, be happy none of you are we-talk-daily friends with me 😀

I’ve been reading all your posts, ‘liked’ some of them and just quietly left without making my presence known on some others. While it makes me happy to know happiness is happening to many of you out there, I’m also quite frustrated that I’m not in the frame of mind/life to be able to be blissfully happy that way.

While we are at it, I’d like to thank my brother, Hobbes, and Vimmuuu (without knowing at all that I’m in no mood to tolerate his nonsense), for making me laugh like mad in some of my down-in-the-dumps moments and making me momentarily forget that I’m dodging lemons. 😀

Life, I tell you! Sigh.

I miss you…

…so very much.

I wish I never let you go. I wish I’d held on to my selfishness and held on to you stronger. I also wish I had not got so attached to you. Well, you gave me no option, did you, but to love you so much, so deeply, so genuinely…you being you?

It is heart breaking to go home now. There is no one waiting for me, no hugs, no wet kisses, no show of emotions that lets me know that I’d been missed, and it’s great to have me home. There is nothing you left behind, for me to hold on to when I miss you like crazy; all I have now are some photographs of those happy days, which I go over every single day, remembering those precise moments, those days of pure joy—and love.

Everything I do now—right from when I wake up in the morning, to when I go to bed—I wonder what you’d have done if you were here…how you’d have reacted…how I may have done it differently, just for you…how much happier I’d have been, having you, knowing you’re there, every moment.

A full day at home is so unbelievably depressing. I have no one to talk to for hours together; no one to just sit with in silence and feel absolutely content; no one to take a walk with on a nice evening; no one to share my cookie with; no one to pester and generally have some fun with; no one to drive me mad and then make me laugh; no one to hug and cry my heart out when I’m depressed; no one to look at me calmly and let me know it’ll be OK; no one that is YOU.

Why, oh why, did I let you go? What was I thinking? I never knew anyone could bring such meaning into my life, mean so much to me, and then just drive off one morning breaking my heart into a million pieces…and leaving me to deal with a difficult life all by myself.

Please come back. I’m so in love with you, I can’t bear to not have you by my side. Can’t live without seeing you everyday…hugging you every moment I can, telling you how much I love you, and just how glad I am that I have you in my life. And right now, I really need you with me. Really, really. Come back…

Pumbaa, please come back. I miss you…so very much, Chakkare 😦

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Edited to add (after I realised people are worried about what happened to Pumbaa): He is totally fine, vacationing with my parents, in Trivandrum…and will be back only by end of March. Been over a month since he left 😦 😦 😦 And while we’re at it, I miss my parents too 😀