Day 20: The voice of my subconscious

When I wrote this post yesterday, I had a lot of questions kicking up a mini-storm in my head, derailing my otherwise logical thought process. When Varsh commented that if only we knew all the answers, life would be much less complicated, I told her travel was the answer to everything, especially if to somewhere in the Himalayan region 😉

Which is true, of course. But, when you are not all set for travel, there is another source for answers to these kinds of questions! And, that’s in Hobbes. If you follow Calvin and Hobbes, you’re probably nodding your head right now. Haven’t you wondered how Calvin always asks these philosophical, highly intriguing and seemingly rhetorical questions, only to have Hobbes respond with the simplest answers? Little surprise then, that the answer is in yourself 🙂 In the rare chance that you actually get it from another person altogether, then be assured that person is, in essence, your subconscious!

Anyway, after I posted this yesterday, I got well told off by my subconscious, who then sat me down and took those questions one by one.

Here are enlightenments from my subconscious (up for debate, though not for agreement, because my subconscious is mine own and might think and perform differently from yours for good measure)

Q: Reflections, when ugly, are never the mirror’s fault. It is the fault of the “object” and the “light” that reflects off it at a bad angle. But you do need the mirror to show that to you. Unless you choose to never look in the mirror. Is that wise, though?
A: Not at all. Though, if in your search for ugly reflections, you’re missing out on the beautiful ones, then you’re defeating the whole purpose of reflections and probably should stop it right away! Or, look for the beautiful ones instead and see how they weigh against the ugly ones. Whatever you do, make sure the outcome is a good one. Else, don’t attempt it. It gives you no returns in the long run.

Q: Looking back at the past and drawing lines to the present…is that a good thing to do? Does reflecting on the past and regretting not acting on a certain intuition then…make it sensible to consider that decision now?
A: Yes, it is a great thing to do to help you spot potholes from afar and steer away from them. But unless the people, situations and feeling are the exact same now as they were then, that decision from then is irrelevant in the now. It’s got to be a fresh, well thought out one that will consider and help you brace against impact from all angles.

Q: Are intuitions any good, or is it just a fancy term for a comparison at different levels? Are they just bad feelings to brush off with Hope and Faith, or are they things needing serious thought?
A: Intuitions are good, to be listened to. They’re not fancy or to be brushed off at any time. Please, always listen. Never walk into something you have doubts about. If you’re not convinced, don’t do it.

Q: How much, what kind and when is it OK to forgive? If you cannot forget, what’s the point in forgiving, when memory serves to rekindle the same feelings many times over? How genuine, then, is that forgiveness…and how fruitful?
A: If it didn’t include physical abuse/violence and deliberate false accusations/character assassination, the rest could be considered forgivable. This is a matter of personal choice, of course. But broadly, if it is in someone’s character to accept fault and be corrected, then they deserve that chance at forgiveness. But, just one chance. It’s good to not forget, because if life slaps you in the face again, you know what and how you survived previously. It makes you stronger, wiser. Forgetting something is not in anyone’s immediate control, but the forgiveness can be truly genuine if it is from the heart, with no unhealthy intentions…and highly fruitful in salvaging a lot that matters in life.

Q: How can you weigh the unknown repercussions of your decisions against your future happiness? What if your intuition fails you and you don’t take what could have been the best decision of your life?
A: Everyone knows the answer to this 🙄 It’s the future we’re talking about! Don’t, and you can’t, plan it.

Q: How trustworthy can today’s promises be, when tomorrow is a whole new day?
A: Go ahead and trust – it will do you good. It does make you vulnerable, yes, but not if you’re in the right hands. So, before you call on your heart and trust someone (again), call on your mind and make that smart assessment of whose promises will be kept and whose will not. But please, do trust. For people cannot rip open their hearts and show you that they mean it – they can only tell you and hope for your trust.

Q: Does anyone know how the scalded cat, that feared even cold water, finally got over its fear? Is fear a good reason to not believe?
A: Well, this is a secret of my species; I’m not really allowed to divulge it to your kind. But for you, and only for you, I shall. We just got thirsty. Think about it…if we relied on fear as a good reason to believe that water (in all forms) was going to burn us, we’d have all died of thirst and become extinct. So, no – fear is never a good reason to not believe; fact is.

Q: In an attempt to stay positive, is it wise to brush the unknown, unexpected and unhappy under the carpet?
A: No. Well, the unknown and unexpected are not in your control. The unhappy, however, is. Goes a little back to the first question, really. But if the attempt to stay positive is supported by fact, faith, trust and hope, then maybe (just maybe) brush it under for now. Because, there will always be an opportunity to lift that carpet and clean it up for good.

Q: How late is too late?
A: It’s never too late, for anything. No decision you take is the final decision of your life, unless it is to take your life itself. Which I, as your subconscious, will never let you do: because your life is mine too…and I am, because you are.

If there is one thing I’m grateful for in life, it is my subconscious 🙂 What would I do without you!?

Day 19: Reflections…

…when ugly, are never the mirror’s fault. It is the fault of the “object” and the “light” that reflects off it at a bad angle. But you do need the mirror to show that to you. Unless you choose to never look in the mirror. Is that wise, though?

Looking back at the past and drawing lines to the present…is that a good thing to do? Does reflecting on the past and regretting not acting on a certain intuition then…make it sensible to consider that decision now?

Are intuitions any good, or is it just a fancy term for a comparison at different levels? Are they just bad feelings to brush off with Hope and Faith, or are they things needing serious thought?

How much, what kind and when is it OK to forgive? If you cannot forget, what’s the point in forgiving, when memory serves to rekindle the same feelings many times over? How genuine, then, is that forgiveness…and how fruitful?

How can you weigh the unknown repercussions of your decisions against your future happiness? What if your intuition fails you and you don’t take what could have been the best decision of your life?

How trustworthy can promises be, when tomorrow is a whole new day?

Does anyone know how the scalded cat, that feared even cold water, finally got over its fear? Is fear a good reason to not believe?

In an attempt to stay positive, is it wise to brush the unknown, unexpected and unhappy under the carpet?

How late is too late?

Injustice means “adding insult to injury”

Disclaimer: Foul language used in more than one instance. Written while in a completely disturbed state of mind: engulfed in fury and disbelief at the injustice meted out.

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News we hear very often, sending our blood to a boil and our minds to degrees of exasperation. But well, the ways of “justice” (or the lack of it) is something we’ll have to live with, I suppose. In spite of the amount of depth of the evidence we have against a ‘wrong’.

A girl gets raped on her way home from work. It’s the girl’s fault because she was wearing ‘provocative’ clothes.

A man sentenced to life imprisonment for suspected partaking in a terrorist act is let off after 14 years, on being found innocent. He’s lost his family, job, life. It’s his fault because he chose to be in the wrong spot at the wrong moment.

A woman is forced to get an abortion done. It’s her fault, because she carried a girl child.

[And in my own life:] Our cars were damaged, plants killed and us emotionally harassed and tortured. It’s our fault, because we are ‘outsiders’ who chose to live in ‘their land’, their Karnataka.

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Yes, when the Association people went to his place and handed over the bill, he refused to pay up.  Just like he refused to admit the f***er in the video is him.

The Association people tried to talk some sense into him saying we hadn’t even approached the law for this, while we could have, considering the proof and all. That we were being amicable…and expect the same from him. And the as***le unflinchingly says (not verbatim), “I’m not paying. If they go to the law with this, I’ll also file a case against this boy (Suraj), that he tried to kill me and my wife”.

And the Association people (fed up, knowing there was no use talking to this freak) came to this conclusion: they’ll get both our cars painted, at their expense (recovering only about 1/6th of the total amount from the old piece of misery). And again, it will be done only at a local workshop where the Association President has connections, and not at the showroom—in spite of the Punto being a new car and within warranty period.

PLUS.

They’ll get it in writing from us that we will not probe this matter further, or cause any trouble to the bast**d, or his family. And from him, that he will not cause any further trouble to us, or to any of the other residents in the neighbourhood.

AND THERE ENDED THE MATTER.

What gets me boiling with rage is the complacence with which everyone viewed the situation. “What happened, happened. Don’t lose your sleep over it now.” No one seems to think that it should NOT have happened at all.

No one seems to realize the agony he put us in, the mental torture we went through, the sleepless nights we had, the lack of concentration we suffered at work… NONE of those are considered.

  • the mental harassment is intangible (so, get over it!);
  • the plants will grow back (so, stop whining);
  • the anger and rage must be suppressed (it’s your young blood).

AND IN UNSPOKEN WORDS (though in good intent): You’re not a native Kannadiga and you don’t quite belong here; so stop complaining and move away, if you want a peaceful life.

“There is no calamity which a great nation can invite
which equals that which follows a supine submission to wrong and injustice”.
Grover Cleveland (22nd and 24th President of the United States)

What no one seems to address is the fact that a bloody f**king b****rd is being allowed to get away with his bloody b***ardly criminal act! At no punishment, at no loss, at not even the slightest sense of guilt! In spite of him threatening to file cases with false allegation of attempted murder on the husband!! And why!? Just because he has the unfair advantage of being a ‘localite’, while we’re from ‘outside’. “Outside, as in, Jupiter!?” asked a friend.

No one seems to realise or even think that he’s the criminal and NOT the victim! It’s the typical “forget the whole issue unless you want to get into deeper trouble” responses and reaction. Unless the son of a b***h himself pays for the loss he created, he’ll NEVER learn, will he!? But well, no one seems to think he must learn, in the first place.

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice,
you have chosen the side of the oppressor.
If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral,
the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu (African Spiritual leader and Novelist)

But I’m the only one who seems to be unable to stand this injustice. Everyone else seems to be tired of the drama. “Let it go”, they all said, including the family. In fact, I literally could NOT BELIEVE MY EARS when I heard the ‘verdict’.

So much for trying to solve this “amicably” through the Association. When they got involved, I thought they’d fight for justice and make the old miserable piece of sh*t pay for his act. But, like the husband rightly said, “everyone involved in this (apart from us) is getting fed up and wants only to put it all to an end and get out of it.”

Put it all to an end, leaving the ones who suffered to continue suffering.

“The Police here are very corrupt; and they’ll always choose to support a localite over an outsider; which means in spite of your evidence and everything, they’ll either try to trouble you or keep postponing this affair for years. Is this worth all that mess?”
Does that mean any localite can do any harm to ‘outsiders’ and get away with it too? And to top that all, try and silence the victim with false attempted murder allegations!?

And what the hell does ‘outsider’ mean!? This is all ONE country, right? Or has Karnataka been declared a free country since last evening!? Aren’t we all citizens of the same country? Don’t we have the right to live in any part of India? Or is the “right” only given to the “localites” to vandalize the property of people who’ve come from a part of the country slightly further down south!? What’s all this crap about ‘outsider’? No I don’t live in a utopia, but I also refuse to live a life of the oppressed! I’ve done no wrong and I DO NOT INTEND TO suffer in silence the wrong done to me.

If this is the attitude and acceptance, I wonder why we complain and create a hue and cry about racism and biased behavior meted out to “us Indians” when we go to a foreign country. It’s their land, isn’t it; and the law will support them, shouldn’t it; and they’re localites and we’re ‘outsiders’. Right!?

“Yes, right, Priya. But this isn’t something that happens only in Karnataka. It happens everywhere.”
Oh thanks, what a solace that is!

“There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice,
but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.”
Elie Wiesel (Romanian born American Writer, Nobel Prize for Peace in 1986)

Right from the start, everyone wanted us to “forgive and forget”. Everyone’s initial reaction was first wonder and then amused laughter. As long as the falling roof isn’t in your house, it isn’t a problem for you, is it!? When we told them it was mental torture and we couldn’t even concentrate on work at office, they all dismissed it with a shake of their heads and a laugh, saying “Don’t let such silly things bother you”. Silly!?? For whom!? It was only when they realized we were very adamant about making the freak pay, that they agreed to step in and ‘talk’ to him. But I suppose all throughout, this had been their mindset: get it over with.

What right did they, then, have to tell us NOT go to the law? It was their selfish need to keep away any chances of the Police coming into this particular residential area: 5th Cross, S.T. Bed, Koramangala 4th block, Karnataka, INDIA. It was their selfish need to make sure other residents in the locality were not disturbed by this event. It was their selfish need to prevent a member of their Association from getting entangled in the arms of the law. Our loss was purely ours, and no one else’s. And that’s the ultimate truth…the ultimate fact.

They kept saying S.T. Bed Layout is the best layout in Koramangala, Bangalore. Honestly, I beg to differ.

For everyone who were involved (apart from our house owner), it was perhaps just a matter of amusement and wonder initially (they were all astounded at the idea of the web-cam and ‘evidence’) and then a pure pain in the ass—and all they wished was to get out of the mess. And the easiest way was not to punish the rasc*l, not try to make him pay, but to pay up on behalf of the Residents’ Welfare Association!??

I appreciate their willingness to pay: I appreciate it completely. BUT. Is the lost paint on the car the ONLY issue!? What about moral values and principles? I think I’ll pass. I’m not walking around trying to live on charity. If that fu***r can’t pay, then I might as well pay from MY pocket. Why should I let the Association pay!? When did they scratch my car and cause me pain!?

I have a good mind to teach the old swine a lesson. But the father, mother and husband (and the brother too!?) has completely given up.

“Enough, Priya. This is all there is to be done. Let’s not talk about it anymore”, says the angry father.

“He has a lot of those low-class contacts. What if he arranges for someone to hurt us on the road? What if it costs one of our lives?” asks a worried mother.

“There’re just too many curses on him already: ours, our families’, our friends’, your blog friends’; he won’t be let off that easily. He’ll suffer somehow. We have as a forever and recent example, what happened to our previous house owner. Can’t we leave this here?” asks a worried husband.

The brother just shakes his head in contempt, and offers no words.

I understand the concern they all expressed. I completely understand and agree. But I think differently.

I seethe in anger, in pent up fury. I’m unable to sleep. I can feel no sorrow, only rage. And they flow out as tears. While the husband holds me close and comforts me as I shed angry tears, all I can think is “Unbelievable. Unjust. Unacceptable.” And I’m afraid at my own degrees of anger. I have multiple thoughts of revenge flowing through me. But at the end, I wonder if I can be that bad a person.

But I know for sure that he’s NOT getting out of this as easily as he thinks he has. Not especially after he’s threatened to file a false case against the husband.