just a tumbler of water

It isn’t often you feel like a potential murderer. Well, today seems to be one of those strangely different, out-of-the-ordinary days!

When I read murder stories, I always marvel (in the most negative way) at the ease with which people plan to and successfully murder someone; similarly with movies. But in those cases, there’s always the consolation that it’s not for real. The shock is when such reports come in the news! And I just sit around wondering “How can a person ‘kill’ someone!?” And for someone like me who refuses to kill even an ant, it’s the biggest mystery. So, when today, I was the one scheming and planning, the shock knew no boundaries!

It’s been sometime now, that I have been contemplating on a murder. And every passing day makes me more and more determined to commit this one. I know it takes one hell of a stone-heart to even think of something like this — but I’m sure I want to do it — yes, you read it right: I want to do it.

So, now you must be wondering why the hell I’m writing about in a public forum. I do not intent to murder and act like a saint. I am totally willing to accept the consequences. I’m doing this only because my object of ‘affection’ here does not deserve to live. If I allow it to, I’ll be responsible for the wreck of two other lives. The love that existed all along will be forgotten: slowly, but steadily. And a day will come when these two lives will be totally dispensable for the other. I cannot allow for that. Better that this one dies.

I opened a Google window and started typing “how to murder a” and immediately the following options popped up:

• how to murder a man (it’s not a man I want to murder)
• how to murder and get away with it (not my intention; you wouldn’t be reading this if it were!)
• how to murder a millionaire (why’d anyone wanna kill a millionaire unless you are due to receive all he’s got!?)
• how to murder a rich uncle (if he has no kids and loves you the most, fine; else, isn’t it more sensible to be his fav nephew/niece?)
• how to murder a and not get caught (again, i repeat, not my intention!)

Well, the option I was looking for was clearly not available. I discussed with a few close friends
— and finally decided that it should be a death-by-water! After all, most people wish to have a sip of water before they die!

Now I know how easy it is to kill. All it takes is some amount of hatred, some amount of despair and a huge amount of determination and reckless disregard for all value — monetary, moral and emotional! In my case, I’ll need just one more thing: a tumbler of water.

Once I’m done, and this post is crawled over by the search engine, Google will add one more item to its current list of “how to murder a”. It’ll have an option for “how to murder a television”!

i expected…

There are a lot of instances when people walk up to you and start off something with an “I expect…”. It’s invariably things we never want to listen to. I usually act dumb :D—like I did when I joined in a PR company long back (and hated it from Day 1). On my first day, my boss told me “The fact that you are a scorpio tells me that you like working by yourselves and despise taking orders. I expect you to be ready to handle our new client from next week.” Aah…what did she know!? What’s the connection between a scorpio and me? To hell with astrology and zodiac maniacs who make such (obviously meaningless) statements. And yes, I acted dumb and quit the place after 2 more weeks—right on the day prior to the client’s press conference 😀 (That hopefully taught my boss a lesson or two on how different scorpios are from me!)

Anyways, the reasons I write this post are two: one, I really don’t ever understand why people should expect anything at all from others; and two, I found a certain ‘expectation’ statement made by a friend extremely strange—and hilarious!

I’ve been introduced to a lot of expectations from others…which I almost always don’t meet :D…and especially so, if it is anything to do with sacrificing my sleep, using my brain (mainly the part of it that supports memory) or cooking. I have missed many a bus/train (and a few flights almost!) because I find gravity at its strongest while I’m in bed—especially on the eye-lids. I have misplaced just so many things in life that if they’re all bought back to me, I could probably start a curios shop! And for the cooking…should I even dwell on this topic? Well, maybe just one instance, where I once let a fish curry get burnt out of recognition and had to tell my mother something to the measure of: “a lizard fell into the bowl, and I had to scrap the whole thing.” And then give her a sad face.

Well, in spite of being irritated at the fact that people always expect something or the other from each other, I have actually started seeing sense in it—apparently, that’s the way of life. But till date, the only statement that has made me see absolutely no reason or sense in it is when this friends of mine saw me and said: “I expected you to have straight hair with curls at the end!” And I said, “!!!!!!!!!!”. Couldn’t help, but that was the best response I could offer…and I wasn’t even acting dumb! As far as I know, that was one of the most stupefying remarks anyone ever made in the history of conversation! Why, why, why would anyone expect another to have straight hair with curls at the end?? If “wish” was used instead of “expected”, well, I see some reason in that…maybe that’s how he likes it. (Though it still doesn’t explain the fact that it might not suit me 😀 !)

Well, after my momentary surprise, I just could not control my laughter…and I had to actually suppress bouts of it and act normal and polite—I’m generally a polite person unless someone tries real hard to make it not so. How I laughed that night! Gosh! “I expected you to be taller…” (ok, maybe he is real tall); “I expected you to be fair/tanned…” (ok, maybe he is so); “I expected you to be a guy!” (ok, maybe he is gay!) But “I expected you to have straight hair with curls at the bottom”!!???  How does it matter in any which way?

Look forward to knowing the strangest thing someone ever told you! This one is, by far, the best in my collection!