just a tumbler of water

It isn’t often you feel like a potential murderer. Well, today seems to be one of those strangely different, out-of-the-ordinary days!

When I read murder stories, I always marvel (in the most negative way) at the ease with which people plan to and successfully murder someone; similarly with movies. But in those cases, there’s always the consolation that it’s not for real. The shock is when such reports come in the news! And I just sit around wondering “How can a person ‘kill’ someone!?” And for someone like me who refuses to kill even an ant, it’s the biggest mystery. So, when today, I was the one scheming and planning, the shock knew no boundaries!

It’s been sometime now, that I have been contemplating on a murder. And every passing day makes me more and more determined to commit this one. I know it takes one hell of a stone-heart to even think of something like this — but I’m sure I want to do it — yes, you read it right: I want to do it.

So, now you must be wondering why the hell I’m writing about in a public forum. I do not intent to murder and act like a saint. I am totally willing to accept the consequences. I’m doing this only because my object of ‘affection’ here does not deserve to live. If I allow it to, I’ll be responsible for the wreck of two other lives. The love that existed all along will be forgotten: slowly, but steadily. And a day will come when these two lives will be totally dispensable for the other. I cannot allow for that. Better that this one dies.

I opened a Google window and started typing “how to murder a” and immediately the following options popped up:

• how to murder a man (it’s not a man I want to murder)
• how to murder and get away with it (not my intention; you wouldn’t be reading this if it were!)
• how to murder a millionaire (why’d anyone wanna kill a millionaire unless you are due to receive all he’s got!?)
• how to murder a rich uncle (if he has no kids and loves you the most, fine; else, isn’t it more sensible to be his fav nephew/niece?)
• how to murder a and not get caught (again, i repeat, not my intention!)

Well, the option I was looking for was clearly not available. I discussed with a few close friends
— and finally decided that it should be a death-by-water! After all, most people wish to have a sip of water before they die!

Now I know how easy it is to kill. All it takes is some amount of hatred, some amount of despair and a huge amount of determination and reckless disregard for all value — monetary, moral and emotional! In my case, I’ll need just one more thing: a tumbler of water.

Once I’m done, and this post is crawled over by the search engine, Google will add one more item to its current list of “how to murder a”. It’ll have an option for “how to murder a television”!

the day I almost thought my last thought!

August 14: The day I almost thought my last thought! The day I thought about a lot of things in such a rush, for fear of never being able to think about anything, anymore! The day I thought I was dying. Gosh, I guess I’ll never forget this day! 😀

August 13: Went out with my brother to Garuda Mall, Bangalore. Walked around for a looong time…in and out of shops, without buying anything, driving the sales-people crazy, until I got myself a sprained muscle on my left shoulder. The pain kept bothering me, but I gave no heed. Cooked dinner, made idly batter for the next day (one helluva job, I tell you!), saw part of some incorrigible movie, quarreled with the husband for some silly reason (I blame the pain for the irritation) and went off to sleep.

August 14 (again!?): Woke up with the pain again. Made breakfast, by the end of which I realised I couldn’t adjust myself to a lot of positions, thanks to the pain that sent me buckling every now and then! Had loads of office work, which I managed to (grossly uncomfortably) complete by 4.30. Meanwhile, I checked the Internet for symptoms of appendicitis, kidney stone, tumor and what not. The only disease I didn’t check for was swine flu, thanks to the half dozen mails that keep pouring in everyday on the subject.

I was in pain — breathing in and out, sneezing (mere thoughts of sneezing, even), burping, laughing, walking, lying, sitting, standing, crying, yawning…just about everything I’ve learnt to do in life hurt like hell!! Till about 5.00, I managed to sit around with my brother, trying to laugh at myself and my antics, without moving my belly. Then I retreated to my room, decided to lie down. And oh God…in the next 10 minutes, the pain shot up so bad, I hardly had any voice. My brother, right in the next room, couldn’t hear me whimpering, crying out in pain, calling out for mom!

In the next hour, the husband, back from office, came in with my brother to see me in tears, writhing on the bed. And of all the things in the world, he asks to no one in particular “Is she really in pain or is she just trying to pull my leg?”  I’d been pitying myself for almost an hour, taking in the sad fact that I would be alone and in pain when I die…with no one to even share my will and last wishes…when he asks if I were pulling his leg! Bah! (Well, in his defense, I must admit that when I called him up, asking him to come home fast, I was laughing and trying to keep the pain at bay.)

Anyway, the next 2 hours flew by. I was almost carried to the car, taken to a hospital (where I managed to crawl up the stairs and settle myself, screaming and moaning and whimpering) which turned out to be just for preganant women, turned out, again carried to the car, rushed to another hospital, given an injection and sent for an ultrasound abdomen scanning. Turns out, it was just a plain old muscle spasm. Anyway, the doctors doubted a possible infection in the kidney and prescribed a urine test. After 4 full glasses of water, hopeless PJs, incessant laughter (which still hurt, by the way) and relief over being “alive”, we left the hospital, leaving the receptionist and her colleague laughing over my adamant bladder that refused to refill itself. 😀

There’s slight pain, still. A deep breath / or a sharp one before a sneeze, still hurts. But it feels great to be alive! 🙂 It feels great to not be in pain! It feels great to be able to blog about it…and laugh about the pathetic condition I had been in yesterday! The husband says I’m like a car with perpetual ‘patch work’ — it’s either backpain, or memory loss, or headache, or some sort of problem! Health seems to be the only blessing I was never endowed with in abundance by God! 😀

But whatever! Yey! I am alive 🙂

P.S.: My idea of adopting a child has been reinforced since yesterday’s incident 😀 😀 I just cannot take any pain. 😀

a strange weekend…actually, two!

No no… I did not disappear again. Had made an impromptu trip to Trivandrum, my hometowncity.

The trip turned out to be one of those “totally unplanned, outright fun” ones! All the cousins and second cousins and uncles and aunts were cooped up under the same roof — and we all had so much fun there! Apart from marriages, Onam, and a once-in-a-while first-birthday party, we don’t get together like this: and I can’t really remember the last time we all were together like this…the last time we all had such fun. About 40-odd people — adults and us ‘kids’. Everyone forming tiny little groups in every single space available and chattering, laughing (and even singing), merry-making…

Occasionally, when our laughter crossed the allowed decibel level, aunts and uncles came barging in, admonishing and ordering us to behave ourselves. Yet, at the same time, we could see the ‘elders’ in the family sitting around and sharing old-time stories…their childhood and their pranks — and laughing their hearts out!

But it was all very strange throughout — this merrymaking in the family; the neighbours must all think we’re a bunch of sadistic, barbaric  tribals! Well, can’t really blame them: because it was not really one of those “planned get-togethers”; and I was not really on an “unplanned, fun” trip. I had hurried off to Trivandrum to attend my grandmother’s funeral…

Grandma’s death was much anticipated…and entirely “prayed-for”, I might say. She was slowly entering a phase of immense suffering…and everyone was hoping she’d be called away before too long. So, in a way, we could defend ourselves, saying we were celebrating her ‘escape from sufferings’ or such crap.

Granma

There! She was the last member of that generation’s lot. Now, apparently, “we all” will never ever get-together like this anymore. Grandma had perhaps been a unifying factor: the reason why everyone got together under that roof occasionally. Now, each to one’s own.

Guess it’s true; four of my cousins are in the middle east; one’s in Delhi; one’s in Cochin; one’s planning to go off soon to Australia; two of us are here in Bangalore; one is off to UK…and God knows when we’ll all see each other again. Unlike those good old days, none of us seem to be really pulled home by force, excitement and urge to attend to weddings and childbirths in the family any longer. We all have our excuses: projects to be completed; horrid bosses who grant no leave; new job, so no leave; exams, so can’t skip school/college; low attendance, will get into the professor’s black list ; out of the country, can’t be bothered to make a presence…and so on. Somehow, a death seem to bring a jolt to each one of us (and to the bosses, teachers and professors as well, God-knows-how!) and everyone turns up somehow or the other.

So, maybe sub-consciously, we all knew it was one of those “this-wont-last-too-long-and-may-very-well-be-the-last-time” times together…and must’ve taken full advantage of it. Bonded with each other asap…sang, danced, wrestled, fooled around, had palmistry sessions, had PJ-sessions…had “tonne kanakkinu fun, fun” (like the tagline of a local radio station goes)!

.

Now, its all over. Everyone’s gone back to whatever they were up to before 3.00 a.m. on July 16th!